|
November 16, 2007
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.” I doubt there isn’t one of us who hasn’t been blind sided by the simple fact that it is impossible to not fail all of the time, and that juggling, while amusing at times, isn’t an effective coping tool long-term. I’ve just fixed my head, and still, shockingly, don’t have all the answers I needed from the process. My job is great. It is finally, after all of these years, what I want it to be — it’s what I’ve earned. Fewer hours. Less travel. (At the moment, however, it doesn’t feel that way.) I’ve settled into, what you could call a comfort zone. I don’t have to kill myself to reach my long-term goals. N and I still aren’t together, I’m sure you’ve gathered that, or knew it somehow. You may have noticed that the category has been retired (which I will have to break to categorize this post), but doing so hasn’t erased her from my mind. She felt, and mentioned several times, that I spent more time in my head thinking about N, than the person behind the initial. I agree, in part. Memory, even the person N represented, was always available to me in my head. My mind has always been biased, in memory, in her favor — I’ve always forgotten, or given up the anger of the present, the logical reasons for not being with her. It seems as if my mind let go of those faults when I looked back upon her. Maybe I stayed in there too long. The possibilities of love are endless. I can love her and not be with her. It’s art that you can’t take home with you. It’s art that you would not remove, even if you could. Because to love her, is, sadly, to let her go. I’ve just watched one of my dearest friends lose his pregnant wife. I wrote LOSS for him. When he came to stay with me, which I gladly invited, he brought with him the weight of grief and depression. He was made half by this, not because he was incomplete without her, but because somewhere in their marriage, she became his blood, he became her skin. She embraced him. Maybe this restlessness that visits me will leave, and I will be calm. Not today however. Not today.
Comments:
4 Comments posted on "Falling, Failing and …"
MangledTulip on November 16th, 2007 at 5:05 pm #
there are times…when i have to remind myself to breathe.
deb on November 16th, 2007 at 5:22 pm #
I’ve always hated the idea of a spouse or lover completing their opposite partner. The way you put it, however, as blood and skin is a description that resonates. Beautiful, and in this case terribly sad.
elle on November 17th, 2007 at 2:37 am #
your post brought tears. my deepest sympathy to your friend.
NM on November 20th, 2007 at 3:23 pm #
Te amaré para siempre.
Post a comment
|
|