Someone said today that I seem to delight in making her upset and nauseated. Okay. She has obviously forgotten that I am a Sadist or doesn’t have a clue about what that really means. I’ll allow her the illusions she has built around the romance of pain. Pain is just that…pain. Real pain isn’t love and flowers; it isn’t a slap on the ass. It is the gritty, nasty business of torment. I delight in her emotional and physical turmoil.

One term that has gotten tossed around openly is ‘Sadist.’ I’ve only met 3 people who fall into this category with me. 3, in all of these years.

Being sadistic is not scolding firmly and then giving them a cuddle when they whimper - it is crushing them mentally and then leaving them to suffer with the agony for days.

Being sadistic is not a rough spanking. It is not a backhand across the cheek. - It is dominating someone to the point they will do anything for you. Pain. Intense, agonizing pain - just because they love you so much it hurts. It is making them feel every barb and then, when they can’t take it a second longer, bringing them back.

Sadists are dark and passionate people. They care for their ‘target’ and if responsible, make certain to select only those people strong enough to handle the heat.

Perhaps if she knew this…her understanding would change.

Things have improved today.

Horny. Violent. Good combination of factors to incite action.

No, not any more inspired. I have the urge to just blow all of this shit off but not for any real reason. I am not upset or irate…just not into it. Bored? Perhaps. Something to think about anyhow.

SL and I have toyed with the idea of fucking each other blind. Yes, she is still with someone else, in the technical sense. How honorable am I being? On a scale of 1-10, I think a 4.5. I want it to happen, I have pushed for it to happen, but it hasn’t happened. Perhaps I should change that to an 6.5.

Yesterday, she mentioned that she had played with GE before - a man, by the way, that I hate with the heat of a thousand suns. This is someone I have history with going back for years and most of it is bad. This information came in a casual discussion. I overreacted. I admit. It is because it is him and not some other person. I hate him. The fact that she has touched him in that manner, and vise versa…makes me almost ill. It certainly has stomped down any spark at least for the moment. Sexual cravings are far from my mind when I consider that he has touched her. I am almost bitter about it.

I am keeping my distance from most people these days. I can’t afford to spend the emotional cash that investing in a friendship requires. I just can’t care less about them. Indifference? Yes. I believe at the moment, that I am filled with it.

I can’t think of anything to put here. Just lacking any level of desire to discuss any subject. Perhaps after I get back from my ride, I will feel more inspired.