One of the curiosities of being who I am is that, no matter how long I work, or the fact that I do have a regular job (during the daytime), it seems that no matter how hard I try (and I do) I can’t, just can’t get my mind to work the way I’d like ….until this time of day.

It’s 2a.m.  Just about when I am ready to go to bed because I can’t justify another sleepless night, just when I’m ready to pop some pain meds to kill the MIND NUMBING pain, I find inspiration hitting me.

Fucking brain, would you work right for a change?

Inspiration will have to wait.  Oblivion awaits in the form of little tiny ovals.

Its better, its getting better.

I had a dream last night.  It was the kind where you can almost reach out and touch the people in it.  The behavior, the cast, the activity were all so in line it was almost like reliving a memory - except the impossibility of it.  My father is dead, you know that if you’ve read for any time, but in that dream he was alive and more peaceful than I’d seem him during this life.  A different man.

As dreams go, I don’t remember all the details.  The pad of paper I usually keep bedside to record my impulsive thoughts and notes for the following day had been left downstairs, and that, N would tell you is an oddity in and of itself.  It was filled with jealousy, hate, anger, rage and love - all directed around the actions of my father.  I remember, just before I opened my eyes, someone had been screaming at me, and I can’t tell you who it was.  The words I remember - ‘You are not your father’s son!’

When I opened my eyes, it was with the word ‘good’ echoing in my head.

I’ve thought about this, turned it over in my brain and determined… yeah, that was a good dream.  I love my father, but I never wanted to be like him.

Today, I’m peaceful with that.

–related post if you’re interested

So yesterday was full of remarkable events.  My party won big, establishing a footprint in the house and senate that heralds a country-wide party shift not seen since pre-Reagan days.  I was Republican at one point in my life, I don’t like to admit, but I lend that time to my father.  While the first parts of my life were not spent with any sort of luxury, after coming back to the US (although I am a citizen, I didn’t really live here for a long time) we were well-off.

I was able to go to college with little difficulty, scholarships paid the first 4 years, but all the years afterward when I was perfecting my knowledge were paid with hard earned dollars… from him.  Loans went the rest of the way, but it was safe to say that I lived in a glass bubble with an assumption that all people had access to the same things I did.

It was during my field work, during the hard years that followed, when I learned otherwise.  All men may be born equal, but that is where it ends.  I’ve often reflected on what I would do if I ever had the reigns of being president, a job I would never - ever want because of my strict privacy desires.  Although I would run a balanced budget ( those of you that know me well, know I love my budgets and will spent weeks ironing them out until they are perfect ) I think that my leadership skills would fail in the face of ignorance.

I say that because last night, I lost my temper.  This wasn’t a brief period of saying something I shouldn’t, because my tongue is controlled when I choose it to be, it was an all-out, I had to be held back, almost coming to blows kind of thing.  It wasn’t over politics, which you might think, but living in a harsh red state, I’ve earned a thick skin.  During my career when politics played a huge part, I even learned to sound Republican for my company, so it goes to say, I don’t lose my temper in that arena.

No, this was personal, and impacted someone I care about.  While I am not quick to make friends or lovers (key word - love), and it takes me even longer to trust them when I do, once I’m there, I am steadfast.  I could not allow this person to infringe upon them a second longer.

A phone call.  I got in my car.  The entire drive spent rolling it around in my head which only deepened my level of disgust and outrage.  I burst in the door, exchanged a few words and right then, the temper snapped.  I’m not proud of it, and in thinking about it, I’m still angry again, but I despise losing control of myself for a single moment.

My temper, something rarely seen these days, is an ugly thing.  The day that follows after, is often spent in retrospect.

It’s dark.  Incoherent perhaps…distinctly me.

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