I’ve been so silent of late and for once it isn’t my coldness sending me into some emotionless void. I am just still. I don’t pace, and I don’t prowl or claw the walls with restless anger or rage. It’s a quiet that I appreciate even as I suspend my mind to write this sentence out:
I was waiting to see if I had cancer.
It’s funny, you see, this concept of something going on without my permission because, I control everything on some level. I would have said that I control my body with equal ruthlessness, but in all truth, this has made it clear that I do not. I guide it, help it, with a regimine that determines its shape, but not its potential.
And like anything else, it can turn on you.
The test itself was clear, but the taste of its potential hasn’t left my mouth. I’ve watched someone die from it. I’ve seen it destroy everything and finally take what was left of the rubble. I’ve seen its hand of violence and can’t stomach the idea of seeing it again - especially first hand.
And it’s caused this pause. I am in reflection.
This is sadly no-where near the much more salicious on-goings of my relationship with N. Or sex. Or my slight razor fetish, dominance or any of the other things I speak to you about day to day, or lately week-to-week.
and it isn’t as if I haven’t lived my life. I think this just gave me pause to remind me, in the midst of whining about jogging, that I am not ready to give it up.
Tonight however, I’m thinking of the man who smiled through it all even as the rest of us were crying.
Mortality tastes salty, doesn’t it?
Comment by Saramichael — January 10, 2009 @ 6:05 am
Perspective is a bitch, isn’t she?
I am glad that whatever it is, it isn’t cancer.
Bn’B
Comment by boldnbrazen — January 10, 2009 @ 8:20 am
My father was diagnosed with Stage IV metastasized lung cancer (and he was a non smoker) last April. That he’s still here is in and of itself a miracle. Cancer is a terrifying, ugly disease, and I’m glad you dodged the bullet.
Comment by Christine — January 10, 2009 @ 9:00 am
Dear Writer,
The ability to smile in the face of death?
Only the difference between grace and normalacy. Then again, what is normal?
Sincerely,
Ally
Comment by Ally — January 10, 2009 @ 12:55 pm
Dae …
This is one of those times when i can say, “i truly understand what you’re going through.”
It’s one of those cross-roads that can be life- altering, revelatory, enlightening and the least of which … difficult. It measures the devotion, loyalty and limits of those involved, ourselves included.
But you know what …
Don’t feed it - If i beat this three times and refuse to let it destroy me, i KNOW you will.
And i still have my brain (mostly) ~smile~ And my tongue, although some would say ‘ah, a woman with no tongue.’ Look, i have nothing brilliant, or profound to say. i just want to say i care, as so many others do, i’m certain.
Do what you need, take what you need and give to yourself whatever it takes to get through this - with no apologies. Your friends will be here/there when you return. Please take good care of yourself, Dae.
Comment by gd — January 10, 2009 @ 9:20 pm
The irony of life.
Comment by x — January 11, 2009 @ 2:42 pm
It does come as a foul surprise, the first intimation of our own mortality. It reveals so much of oneself that is normally hidden or carefully ignored.
It is good that your thinking was wrong, I hope that whatever it was has now been resolved.
Comment by doll — January 12, 2009 @ 12:01 am
welcome to my world…I’m glad the prognosis was positive.
Comment by selkie — January 12, 2009 @ 6:55 am
scary…very scary
Comment by carolynn — January 12, 2009 @ 5:03 pm
Ah, ironic isn’t it. Here we are, sure that we are masters of the universe, then along comes a cell that seems to have lost its ability to shut off and there goes all our illusions of grandeur.
I have a deep-seated, gut level feeling that anger causes cancer, which is why I do my best to avoid it. So I smoke instead.
Hugs,
rg
Comment by remittance girl — January 13, 2009 @ 6:04 am
Glad to hear the test came back clear. I am waiting for my results as well.
Comment by mina — January 14, 2009 @ 4:47 pm
Confronting one’s own mortality even in phantom form can change the color of one’s entire world, cant it?
Amazing how little control we have over anything, and how freeing it can be to just relax and accept that little fact of life.
I personally believe nothing is without a reason, everything comes into our life with a lesson to teach if we open ourselves to it. I hope this period of “reflection” can be that for you.
Comment by Mimi — January 20, 2009 @ 10:32 pm
Sadism and masochism describe psychiatric disorders characterized by feelings of sexual pleasure or gratification when inflicting suffering or having it inflicted upon the self, respectively.
Comment by soulless — February 2, 2009 @ 4:20 pm
I came looking for your blog this evening, after a very long time away. There’s a ringing in my ear and I’ve been driven to do all sorts of things recently to bounce the ringing out.
I don’t know what I expected to find, certainly not this. Glad to read you are well.
Comment by some girl — February 3, 2009 @ 12:42 am