January 31, 2007
It’s out there, a mixed blessing blended sweetly and bitterly with change. There is a moment’s rush as I digest the sensation of knowing I am wanted, without question above all others - until I see, feel, the counterweight slowly dragging down my euphoria to a more managable and somehow, disappointing level. I knew it was coming and so even my high was muted, the idea fed to me in bits and pieces by well-intentioned people trying perhaps, to share my joy. It is a joy, of sorts, knowing there is an out, someway to clean the mud off of my dirty hands and rise out of the decay that weights heavily on my shoulders, and the shoulders of many people stronger than myself.
It is nice to see a doorway as I walk along, hunched over, cursing the mire that weighs my feet and covers me from neck to toe. It gives me some hope that - I don’t know, that some of this weariness will evaporate from my skin. Maybe that stain on my palms will suddenly be able to be washed away. Those files weigh on me heavily, even when I made every effort to save them from their demons - even as they cursed and spat at me - worse.
And here is this out, this glorious out which I eye with a distrust for no other reason than it is too good, too easy. The road has never been paved before my feet. I’ve fought for everything - my education, my ethics, my woman, my job. Can it be so simple as to walk through a door and simply be clean again?
My mind says no, but then its tireless rantings have my thought in circles, perfect circles, turning endlessly over in my head. It is my mind that reminds me that I am imperfect and my logic that dictates my decision to listen or ignore the inner dialogue. I am not perfect, but that dirt and those files staining my hands and mind, those - those simply are a fever, gone with a dose of fresh air and a slate wiped clean.
I control the slate.
January 30, 2007
I haven’t written for a while, obviously. It isn’t for any particular reason. Work’s been manageable, in fact they are looking to promote me again, which I view as both a blessing and a curse. I have the choice to turn it down, of course, but I won’t. There is something enjoyable about being the youngest in the room that the old man in me enjoys.
It’s sunny out and cool, my favorite combination of weather that makes the urge to run just too much to pass up. I don’t do those odd little running shorts that make me feel good and perverse, so you’ll have to stomach the fact that I’ll be out in the very macho, testosterone laden version of male tights. Can you handle it?
My nephew’s birthday is today, otherwise I’d have no use for this cake decorated a la the Cars, but I am second guessing going over to my sister’s house which is currently filled with all sorts of germs. Let’s hope I escape the viral plague unscathed.
I had meant for this to be the extent of my post (what’s below, not above) but so much for brevity.
I found this. Which reminded me just how powerful words can be, and so, it made me produce my own:
Bended knee. Held Breath. Question. Yes.
So surprise me, and see what you can say without spelling it all out. You’re it.
January 23, 2007
Upgrading…I apologize in advance if I muck it up, unless it’s torture for you….then I’ll enjoy it.
January 20, 2007
I hate spam. Weird jellied meat aside, I refer to the shit that my filters have to fight every single day to avoid. If you’ve got any sort of comment platform, or hell, email anymore, you likely have the same issue as I - skimming the various link-filled crap about porn sites, Levitra and poker to check for those occasional comments/emails that get shoved in there.
Who are the people that click those links anyway? There has to be some measure of success for these spam dealers/bots to continue on their evil and pointless linking ways. Someone out there has to be clicking on these things. Hey, from me to you, whoever you are…STOP!
I think, however, the most evil of them all, and thusly entitled to an eternity in prison being ass raped by a diseased monkey fetishist, is the false referrer. The odd statistic on your external links page that let you know your link is up somewhere in cyber-space. The ones that begin with XXX-PORN-Porn-HorndogsRus.com websites are easily avoided, the same with the drug URLs or poker sites because, as I noted above, we’ve all seen them. But lately, those URLs have come in nice little packages that have fooled me - and that is simply inexcusable. I now overlook Guestbook URLs as well.
Beyond that I’ve been getting, as what I can only assume is the result of more spam attempts, odd referrers from widely known (generally sex blog) websites, each in one long link, one after the other, split only by a comma and with my url tucked neatly in somewhere. I shortened this down for posting purposes, there were several more links on this one…
Example: http://www.nakedloftparty.com/journal/2006/11/13/399/chapter-five-slut-club-part-two, %20http://www.nakedloftparty.com/journal/2006/11/01/398/chapter-five-slut-club-part-one,
%20http://randomtruth.net/blog/
So I imagine I’m not the only one getting spammed this way, and so I must assume, that out there, someone is looking at their referrers and thinking that perhaps I’m spamming them. My sadism, by the way, doesn’t express itself in pointless emails and blog comments with 20 links.
This problem isn’t dire, like dealing with right winged liberals trying to restrict access to birth control pills, or the issue with, well, the Bush white house as a whole, but it is an annoying one.
Maybe when we do track them down, we can, hm, make them the stakes in a game of poker played by prisoners with access to porn and Levitra.