Someone said today that I seem to delight in making her upset and nauseated. Okay. She has obviously forgotten that I am a Sadist or doesn’t have a clue about what that really means. I’ll allow her the illusions she has built around the romance of pain. Pain is just that…pain. Real pain isn’t love and flowers; it isn’t a slap on the ass. It is the gritty, nasty business of torment. I delight in her emotional and physical turmoil.

One term that has gotten tossed around openly is ‘Sadist.’ I’ve only met 3 people who fall into this category with me. 3, in all of these years.

Being sadistic is not scolding firmly and then giving them a cuddle when they whimper - it is crushing them mentally and then leaving them to suffer with the agony for days.

Being sadistic is not a rough spanking. It is not a backhand across the cheek. - It is dominating someone to the point they will do anything for you. Pain. Intense, agonizing pain - just because they love you so much it hurts. It is making them feel every barb and then, when they can’t take it a second longer, bringing them back.

Sadists are dark and passionate people. They care for their ‘target’ and if responsible, make certain to select only those people strong enough to handle the heat.

Perhaps if she knew this…her understanding would change.

Things have improved today.

Horny. Violent. Good combination of factors to incite action.

No, not any more inspired. I have the urge to just blow all of this shit off but not for any real reason. I am not upset or irate…just not into it. Bored? Perhaps. Something to think about anyhow.

SL and I have toyed with the idea of fucking each other blind. Yes, she is still with someone else, in the technical sense. How honorable am I being? On a scale of 1-10, I think a 4.5. I want it to happen, I have pushed for it to happen, but it hasn’t happened. Perhaps I should change that to an 6.5.

Yesterday, she mentioned that she had played with GE before - a man, by the way, that I hate with the heat of a thousand suns. This is someone I have history with going back for years and most of it is bad. This information came in a casual discussion. I overreacted. I admit. It is because it is him and not some other person. I hate him. The fact that she has touched him in that manner, and vise versa…makes me almost ill. It certainly has stomped down any spark at least for the moment. Sexual cravings are far from my mind when I consider that he has touched her. I am almost bitter about it.

I am keeping my distance from most people these days. I can’t afford to spend the emotional cash that investing in a friendship requires. I just can’t care less about them. Indifference? Yes. I believe at the moment, that I am filled with it.

I can’t think of anything to put here. Just lacking any level of desire to discuss any subject. Perhaps after I get back from my ride, I will feel more inspired.

For the last week I have been holding audience with a woman that I believe holds the world’s driest, most stale personality -up to this point, at least. She has overranked her importance and has assumed that me leaving is an emotional response instead of a logical conclusion. I am not an emotional person, and certainly not with the human equivelent of dry, flavorless toast or warm navel lint.

I find it equally amusing that she went to the ‘enemy’ for advise on figuring me out. What general would tell you that was a good idea? Perhaps it was her effort to mark her territory. I do not know.

Well it has been - insane.

Personally, something has happened to really sour my mood (work), even if I have gotten it off of my chest already. I’ll just deal with it tomorrow.

Complete loss of temper for the past few days has yielded a calmness, of sorts, today. The rift I spoke of earlier has scabbed over.

Another issue gets addressed today (not by the same person). I am eager to see her explanation.

Today is a day I plan on spending nearly silent. No radio, no tv, just the quiet drone of background noise.

Pure and simple. An emotional death, tonight.

There is pleasure to be found in the situation in which I find myself. While I can ease some of this violence that is in me, at the same time, I can, however indirectly, hurt others. I have gotten to the point where I don’t care and am becoming increasingly reckless in my actions. Sick of this shit? Yes, I am.

Being analytical, I consider the various paths to take - any one of them will lead me to where I want to go, at least in the short term. It will lead to satisfaction. The problem is, of course, long term. Do I want to remain alone? Or worse, choose the second best. I won’t bother with love, that road is filled with pitfalls. I think I will focus on pain, their pain, their slow, bloody exploration of my abyss.

My will turns to hate. I will take refuge in my own devices and punish those around me.

The air seems to crackle with tension - the same type of energy fills it as it does before a pending storm. I am in the middle of the deep breath before the plunge. Calm washes over me like a blanket, a numbing cloak of emotionless black. I expect things to happen soon and am preparing for the ripple effect.

I do not trust him. Her assurances mean nothing to me. I do not trust him.

The sizzle before the strike. The metal is red, only awaiting the impact of the hammer.

I am ready. Calm. Numb. Cold.

My energy is drained. I’m tired.

Sugared lies, or vicious truth.

All truth is vicious if it isn’t what you want to hear. Lies are sweet when they contain something that flatters our egos.

Which would you have? On one hand you always know where you stand, on the other, you remain in blissful ignorance. I suppose it depends on what kind of person you are. Passive or aggressive?

I think you know what kind of person I am. I would rather know.

Think about it.

Meanwhile…

I can’t say that I hate you; I have no such emotion attached to your name. You are an ash, a wisp of cloud, a warm, vaporous breath in the winter. You exist, but have no substance. How can I have any feeling toward you? You are empty, a shell. My fingers reached out to touch you and found nothing.

JT’s Stockroom: Lexan Cane with Aluminum Handle B674

It inspires pleasant thoughts.

It is reflection that draws me here at the moment, reflection of events that have passed in the previous month. I am very happy to have things back to normal around here and find that I have missed writing, at least in this blog. I look forward to the sand to settle in my ‘tank’ so that things can resume their usual patterns.

Work, play, is there any other category?

It is about to rain here - that cold rain that comes with the gray days of fall. Usually autumn doesn’t come around these parts until much later, and then it is only for about one week before the cold rushes in like an angry banshee. I look forward to it. It is a time of reflection, family and peace.

(Assuming of course, our ‘President’ doesn’t decide to nuke a country during the holidays.) - Vote for Kerry. He knows the price of war and values a stable economy not funded by war mongering.

My favorite time of the year.