She is a willow tree.
A slender goddess that allows my wind to caress her weary leaves.
A siren that harkens me to howl my rage into her ever yielding branches.
Eloquent, yet blissfully undefined.
My foot falls upon her path only to be swallowed by her shadow.
The god complex continues. I am all powerful.
SL and IO have had a major rift over me, actually. IO doesn’t care for me only for the fact that I am so close to her. I do not blame him. It would be something I would also take issue with were the tables turned. I, of course, could take advantage of this. However, that is not within my character. It would not be fair to her.
DA pissed me off last night. She has some fascination with RE but yet does not want to admit it, to me at least. However, as soon as he entered the picture last night, she had to go. I despise her weakness, and will make her pay for that insult. I can be a bastard when I choose. She will likely get the brunt of that tonight.
Being the flavor of the month around this group is not to my liking. I can see the women calculating just exactly how they are going to get me into bed. They want the trophy of being the first in my bed. A badge of honor, a ‘look at the Dominant I got!’ kind of thing.
Fuck them all. I am not without my patience.
I signed up for the S.A. I already have an idea who will ‘randomly’ be selected for my partner. She spoke with me yesterday, it was rather amusing. I see now exactly how this thing works.
My quote - ‘I want to drink the blood that my own hands have drawn from you. I want to ravage your flesh and crush your spirit under my heel. I want to sacrifice your body for my own sadistic pleasures. Loathe me, love me, it does not matter. You will yield. I am the song and you are the puppet that dances to my tune. ‘
The last two days have been filled with black. I can’t see the pale hand of reality any more. I crave, lust and prowl for the feint scent of her skin.
On that note:
SL and I talk, tease, and then have almost violent arguments. It is almost an expected and predictable event. In truth, it is likely my own fault that we do argue. I push and push until I have her backed into a corner. She fights back. And so it goes on. We keep going round and round, often back and forth in the same evening.
I am not fair to her in my own anger. I go for her throat on every occasion. I hate and love her, yet always do I want her close.
DA is searching for something from me. I am not so inclined to give it.
Old Lovers seem to want another foot in the door. I cannot push them out of it quickly enough.
Meanwhile life continues. It is raining and black outside, almost as if the weather obeys my wishes. Call me God. I am immortal.
Haven’t heard the song, but the lyrics are well suited for my mood. Only slightly adjusted for my own needs.
“Hate is what I feel for you
And I want you to know that I want you dead.
You’re late for the execution…
If you’re not here soon
I’ll fuck your friend instead.”
Vicious are the ties that bind you to me,
Thorned leathers, how they dig in our skin,
Writhe under its unwithered grip and see,
The dark that binds us in our damning sin.
Malicious are the words screamed in our halls,
As two wolves let loose their impotent rage,
Cry the tears spawned as bleak sadness falls,
The ties loosened but never disengaged.
Seditious are the fists that fall upon my chest,
Marked with love and hate again renewed,
Violent does your heart beat within your breast,
Our love is blood and black passion imbued.
Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread,
Through shadow, to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight,
Mist and shadow, cloud and shade,
All shall fade, all shall fade.
-LOTR
I destroyed your white walls,
and violated your inner thoughts.
I ravaged your empty halls,
and made you cry, distraught.
I controlled your mind,
and stirred your emotions.
I savaged and maligned,
and set you loose in my black ocean.
I set you free,
and released your blood lust.
I cut the ties that chained me,
and set the fire in which you combust.
You were my evil unbound,
and now you are my angel enslaved.
I am your lover profound,
And your Daemon depraved.
Someone once told me that they never liked to look me in the eyes because it seemed as if I was searching for their secrets. It was easier not to meet my stare than to surrender their thoughts to me. I remember just smiling, but thinking exactly what were they trying to hide?
I’ve never meet someone like me and I’m glad for that. I would not want to see that same look reflected back at me.
Protected entries are generally writings I do no want to share with the entire wealth of the internet population; Copyright after all, means so little here.
I thought I might expound on the image I described yesterday. Have you ever just wished you could take the mental picture and communicate it visually to someone else? It’s rather frustrating not to be able to do so.
There are three people in this image:
1. The man, being the most obvious figure.
2. The woman in the background, against the sky.
3. The viewer, the invisible third party.
The man is me, somehow, but yet so too is the viewer. He is tall, with short, dark hair, either very brown or black and a goatee. He is wearing dark blue jeans, black boots, (Doc martins?) and a charcoal gray henley shirt. He has his palms facing upward, a ring on the index finger of his left hand. His eyes are black, not just the pupils, but totally black. He seems unaffected by the brightness of the light around him other then seeming to want to absorb it. A Demon? He seems to represent darkness. He is in some sort of pain/distress. Someone lost in a world filled with just her..perhaps his mind?
The woman is beautiful, has dark hair, again either black or dark brown, and it is straight and shiny. Her mouth is most focused on, her lips are mauve, but not unnatural, like lipstick (Which I personally hate, so that makes a lot of sense.) She has straight white teeth.
The viewer I can’t tell you about, ‘they’ never look at themselves, but the light that rains down is rather bright, as if their pupils are constricting quickly to adjust for the volume of light. The sensation of having a flashlight or camera flashed suddenly in a dark room.
They are a couple, were a couple? (This fits for a relationship of my past)
The light that rains is hers. (This doesnt fit the above stated relationship) He is standing in her light shower.
This isn’t a dream so much as an image that won’t leave my head.
I have something in my head.
A man, seen from a good distance, almost in silhouette. Somehow you know he is in some sort of distress. He is looking up at the sky, his arms out, palms facing upward, like he is trying to catch the “rain” falling. Light is falling as “rain", catching some unseen light source so that is glimmers against the viewers eyesight. The sky is almost like a sunset color, but includes a shadow of a woman in the background laughing, just her face is barely apparant against the brightness of the sky.
The “camera” zooms in on the man, who is wet, his shirt sticking to his skin as he turns and starts to smile.
- What does it mean? I’m not exactly certain.
Main Entry: sa·dism
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary, from Marquis de Sade
1 : a sexual perversion in which gratification is obtained by the infliction of physical or mental pain on others (as on a love object)
2 a : delight in cruelty b : excessive cruelty
Main Entry: ma·lev·o·lent
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin malevolent-, malevolens, from male badly + volent-, volens, present participle of velle to wish
1 : having, showing, or arising from intense often vicious ill will, spite, or hatred
2 : productive of harm or evil
Main Entry: mal·ice
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French, from Latin malitia, from malus bad
1 : desire to cause pain, injury, or distress to another
2 : intent to commit an unlawful act or cause harm without legal justification or excuse
————————————————-
Just wanted to make sure you understood exactly what she meant when she called me a “malevolent, malice-filled Sadistic Bastard.”
That was during, of course afterwards she begged prettily for mercy. Tears are so much sweeter when they are sincere. Her needs and mine both released for a time.
The comment block -
Allowing strangers to come into your home and pee on your floor and then leave you the mess to clean up.
I’ve decided never to visit another page hosted by tripod, geocities or angel fire. You can add any other free hosting webpage in here if you would like. My advise to these millions of people, find a web host, purchase a domain and post your website without the ads.
Have you every really seen a quality site hosted on a free provider? Usually everything is centered, there are about 12 very annoying animations leaping about on your screen, some sort of mouse trailer (which they no doubt discovered on their travels around other mindless sites), awful music they simply push upon the unsuspecting surfer, and a dark background with big red lettering. (Hell, let me go get my prescription glasses now before the rush occurs in 2 years when everyone is blind from reading their often mindless, and usually thoughtless prespectives on whatever subject they are touting.)
Several I have noticed are fans sites to some band or artist. Are they really doing them a favor?
I suppose it all falls in line with the whole freedom of speech thing, which I fully support. As such, instead of writing to each person that posts up an offending site, I simply exercise my very American right to not visit, not purchase and not support. Much the same, as those who do and do not visit my site. I’m all for the independant voice, being, after all, one of the minority - at least in terms of my kink.
Speaking of minorities, I could go on about my thoughts on the upcoming elections, but for the most part, I believe that most people have made their minds up regarding the person for whom they are casting their vote. I would be surprised if there was a Republican reading this blog anyhow. (Did you step out of your pretty mansion to read this, or are you just a freak in the dark parts of your mind?)
Let the angry email ensue.
The freedom to choose, priceless.
Little sleep and what little I had, was punctuated by dreams. The kind that wake you in a cold sweat.
Last few days have been crazy and too fucking busy for my tastes.
I’m spending some of my day today doing laps in the pool - that is always soothing.
“Sleep, those little slices of death, how I loathe them.” -Edgar Allen Poe
I am that which I feared I would become.
Do you understand what it is to settle? I believe the gradual acceptance of any situation that you dislike lessens your happiness. At the same time, not accepting change does not speak well of your character either. So the choice becomes, do you accept, or do you not? Well, I’ve never liked having only two choices. So at the moment, I defer the decision until the grand jury reconvenes in November. Or at least until I decide I want to talk about it again.
I’m rather stale at the moment, perhaps I have let this mood go on too long.
I did get someone to cry. It was rather enjoyable, I must say.
Sadism is a double edged sword.
“The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave, The Moon, their Mistress, had expired before; The winds were wither’d in the stagnant air, And the clouds perish’d; darkness had no need Of aid from them–she was the Universe. ” - Lord Byron
Have had an interesting development with DD recently. I believe she wants a piece of me, and not in the way I am willing to give it. What is the deal with tackling other Dominants? Power struggle? I guess I should ask myself that, considering I am guilty of topping a few myself. I’ll let you know if I come up with an answer for that.
SL and I are back on better terms. I can now resume my efforts to get into her pants.
CK is being his usual passive aggressive self. Perhaps he can take a moment, drop his balls, grow a backbone, and then come back to talk. Am I really suppossed to respond to his sighs and mumbled comments? Directness is never underrated, and actually very valuable to me.
As to myself, I did sleep, finally last night. Exhaustion? Who knows. I am less likely to chew your head off.
I did get a piece of ass recently and that always improves my mood.
Working today on a few projects.
I resolve to make sure to make someone cry today. How and why, Who knows?
SL and I always seem to bicker when we speak. I try my best to be open, but frankly, I don’t see the reward.
CK Is doing the whole passive aggressive thing because I don’t have 5 hours to spend listening to him yap in my ear. Yes, that was 5 hours, 300 minutes, 18000 seconds. As if I don’t have better things to do. I swear he must have tits hidden under his shirt because he whines like my mother, when I don’t call her.
Haven’t started smoking, despite my earlier declarations, but not because of lack of want, just lack of desire to take my ass to the speciality shop and purchase the kind I like. Lazyness…who knew it was good for your lungs?
Went to the gym today, beat the shit out of a bag and did about 30 laps in the pool. Trying to ease some of this aggressiveness of late.
Sleep is still elusive. Pretty soon I imagine I’ll be homicidal.
Don’t really feel like writing much today. I’m running on about 2 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I’m pretty sure I’ll be burning the midnight oil again tonight.
Ever feel like your wick is lit at both ends? My feet are on fire.
I had a dream last night. Exquisitely detailed, it spared nothing to imagination and thus, spared me no time in reflection. Death is a common theme in my dreams, but rarely am I the one to cause it. Violence is something embedded in my nature, and it seethes out of my skin like puss from an infected wound when I’m like this.
My thoughts are passionately and relentlessly malignant. I hate myself sometimes for the torrential outpouring of malevolence that spews from me.
My eyes are black as I write this, the pupils dilated beyond reason considering the blinding light that spills into my room. I am going to lose myself in a black hole and float endlessly in my self induced torment
I feel angry today. Restless. Dark. Moody.
Good sun, good sky, nice day.
Later on, I will let loose my temper and it will be an ugly event. Some mindless girl will assume the brunt of what I have inside of me. Meanwhile, I will set that on the back burner and enjoy the mindless chatter of everyone else so unfamiliar with who I really am.
DEVIL’S EMBRACE (The) by Frau Oppenheimer
http://www.olympia-press.co.uk/uncensoredD.htm
‘ … He remained silent and at last she dragged her gaze from the floor up to study his own face again. “What did you say you wanted for lunch?” her voice was quietly determined.
“You,” he repeated.
“And a riding crop,” she almost whispered through the tightness of her voice.
“That’s right,” his own tone had remained decisive and unrevealing of his own emotions regarding the superb symmetry of her shapeliness.
“I’ll see what I can do,” she told him as she went from the room.
Deveril finished his drink and placed the tips of his fingers together as though making a decision inside himself. His eyes were cruelly piercing, and his mouth a thin of cruel purpose. He looked up casually when she came back into the room and saw the thin, tapering leather crop in her right hand. Awkwardly, silently she handed it to him.
“I have the salad; what about the main course?” he asked. …’
DIARY OF A SADIST’S SLAVE (The Story of Roweena Dune) - Anonymous
‘ … I was sobbing breathlessly, twitching uncontrollably as he pushed the needle all the way into my breast, stopping only when it struck one of the bones of my rib cage. The tip of the needle scraped against the bone and I wailed in agony, the hurt so fierce that a blinding red mist began to dance in front of my eyes.
“Savage, is it not, little Roweena?” he said, chuckling viciously. “A bit of metal against the bone is one of the fiercest agonies known!”
The pain consumed me now, swept through my flesh in rolling waves. I was aware of nothing other than the sharp, burning sensation in my breast and the cruel torture of the needle scraping against my bone. The fierce agony was unrelenting. Unlike the other pains I had felt at his hands, there were no moments of rest in this, no pause between fiery spasms of hurt. The pain was constant, building higher and higher, each moment growing worse than the last, a cruel agony that seemed to be destroying me. I quivered spasmodically, causing the needle to move in my flesh. Screaming with uncontrollable agony, I tried to remain still. but Merlyn merely laughed and pressed the tip of the other needle he held against my thigh. He waited a moment until I had calmed down, then savagely thrust the other needle into my limb. I screamed anew as a different area of agony opened up in my flesh and he drove the spear into me steadily until it too was scraping against the bone. …’
I want to drink the life from your skin,
Rape the light that you breathe.
Play your agony as my violin.
Until the blood within me seethes.
I want to inhale your purity
Stab the walls of distrust,
Wallow in obscurity
under my waters your head is thrust.
I am cast upon your shore,
caught within your net,
darkness to explore
and the sharpness of regret.
—————————–He squeezed, blood oozing from his fist with a sickening squish. He laughed as the red-black liquid flowed freely down his arm and dropped silently to the carpet. He looked at her and opened his hand. The palm covered in blood, the wound still oozing.
‘What do you see?’
She looked at his hand, bloody, raw and shook her head quickly, inching back from him. He stepped towards her, undeterred. His voice lowered to a soft whisper.
‘All I have sacrificed.’ he said, ‘and everything I will take back.’ —————–
Somehow it seems to fit at the moment. I need to find someone to cut.
What was her mother thinking. My niece has been named after a stripper. I see the girl in diapers before me, currently unable to walk and doing the cute inane babble that babies do…fastfoward 20 years and bam, she is tossing her panties from the stage.
Names have power, a certain type of vibration that tells the world around you what you are about. There are so many names out there, would you really name your child Destiny?
I can only hope the child isn’t scarred, but I doubt she is growing up to be the next president of the United States with a name like that.
A non stop stream of activity. I dont have to go out of town for the week which is nice. I wasnt looking forward to spending time away.
Spent weekend with relatives, always fun, always draining. I think I ate my weight in food between tamales, beans, rice and guac.
I actually meet someone who didn’t know what queso was. I could only shake my head. What did people do before Hispanics came to give some spice to the world?
Moody today. Feeling very much like I could blow up any second.
Run from me with all your lies,
your pretty face and the tears you cry.
Run from me and my grip escape,
my lustful yearnings and my demonic shape.
Run from me and fly away,
Dream of light and better days.
Run from me with all your lies,
leave me helpless, and the sun shall rise.
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