Age
I think as I get older I am getting softer in some ways… much harder in others.
While I have not forgiven, I do find it easy to forget from time to time. I allow myself to remember other details, while blurring the lines the current ones have drawn for us. Until something or someone reminds me of them…suddenly it comes back in full, sharp detail and I am angry - Angry for allowing my feelings for you to manipulate my anger. Perhaps it is better for me to let go, but I don’t wish to. You’ve not bled enough for my liking.
It will come to a point where the mention of certain details won’t trigger the memories they currently do. I barely remember previously signifigant other people from my past. Perhaps in a few years, you will be relegated to just a memory preserved in pictures, sounds and saved emails.
I don’t want that either. Because while your presence can cause a wide range of emotional response in me….I would take it any day over feeling nothing. The void is comforting for a while, but it does get exhausting to maintain…and eventually, one day, I will either be lost to it, or totally without it.
This information being provided to you is the exact opposite of what I should be telling you. I should be making you pay your toll…bleed your pound of flesh.
I realize now that the ways I could hurt you deep enough for me to be satisfied are beyond what I am willing to commit to at this point. Right now anyhow. Other women will come - and I’ll accept their offers. I’ll do the things to them that I have done and would have done to you. I’ll make certain that you are aware of every graphic detail. I’ll enjoy your crying and anger. And, once I have finished and you are stained with my mark, I will leave you and not return.
Today, however, I am not prepared to commit to that act. I choose now, what I never would have in the past given these circumstances. You.
I hope you realize what it has cost my pride.