The decision
Without remorse, without regret, without the ability, want, or desire to stop the urge, I will hurt you.
The wound will be deeper, the scar will be lasting and it will end all of this.
5/8/2005
Introspective.
Surprisingly enough, I am not angry. I don’t really know why that is, because the topic that was discussed tonight is something that triggers my temper more often than not. I could assume that the lack of emotion is because I don’t care, which would be nice to think, but I also know is very untrue. More to the point is…I was rather expecting it.
And that disappoints me. Not so much because she did exactly what I thought she might do…which was, indeed, to betray me - at least from my perspective. It wasnt that, but rather that I expected her to do so. I preached to her about trust, while at the same time, building a list of skeletons that could be in her closet. Doubts, if you will.
Of course I am - angry, somewhere I am angry, but more to the point, I am disappointed. In her. In myself. Yet each for entirely different reasons.
There are two thoughts (sayings I have heard in my past) in my mind tonight.
‘You can’t go back again.’ and ‘I’ll take hate over indifference anyday.’
Perhaps tomorrow will yield a different thought - meanwhile, goodnight.