Cry, oh God, Cry. Damn it. Just do it, break, I’m tired of pushing you tonight, just allow those silvery drops to fall. I feel the frustration building at your resistance and I hate the urge I have to strike - you’ve done nothing other than what you do any other night.
I don’t want to touch you when I’m like this - cry and leave. Cry and leave. Another few words exchanged and then that shocked look comes over your face as you realize just how far I’ll go to hurt you. Pain and then anger. I know you fucking hate me like this, hate that I settle behind words instead of action, but baby its for you.
And for me.
I don’t think I’d let you have an out tonight and so its words, cold, effective that I use as my weapon. I told you to stay away. I told you to stay away.
And you cry and leave.
When the door shuts, I sit there, feeling like I’ve taken my first breath - yet still having it hang in my throat. I’m choking for the briefest of moments until that cold calm settles in to erase my…..everything. I hear your car start and I walk to the window, watching you from that huge window into our world. My palm finds a place to settle on the glass.
I can see the tears on your face. My head keeps repeating…Leave, leave, leave.
You never do. When the front door opens you run in, and bury your face against my chest. Oh god, don’t seek comfort from me. I can’t handle it. I won’t be able to handle it. I have nothing to give you.
But my arms wrap around you and the words I rarely utter come out of my mouth.
I’m sorry, pet.
Its your tears that erase the cold this time, coming in sobbing hiccups against my chest.
I kiss you.
But I realize there will be a time when you will leave, and something inside of me prepares for the blow.
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You confuse me. You really, really do. That’s very rare. Is it so horrible for someone to love you?
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It is easier to handle hate than love. That doesn’t answer your question, does it? It isn’t that I don’t want her love, but rather that I am undeserving of it.
I resent that.
Comment by Aine — 1/4/2006 @ 11:18 pm
I have been reading your blog most of today and yesterday, and I must say, what a tangled web you and N weave.
But yet what a beautifully written tale you’ve created through it all. The violence, the anger, everything. Amazing and perfect.
It’s heartbreakingly sad and arousing and infuriating all at the same time. Lovely, lovely.
I wish the best for you.
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Ah, thank you - it is a net upon which I have oft strangled myself.
Comment by selly — 1/5/2006 @ 12:54 am
I just wonder what it is you believe you need to protect yourself from…or maybe I’m wrong. It just seems you don’t want to let anyone completely inside.
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It is by no means a selfless venture - indeed, it is rather selfish in nature - I simply do not wish to hurt that much when the split happens. Protect myself? Yes. Not let anyone inside? Yes. I am the only one that knows just how deep the abyss is.
I save her from the fall.
I save myself from feeling when she goes.
Comment by CJ — 1/5/2006 @ 1:27 pm