Am I always on?
Fielding this question as I was, I took it to understand: ‘Are you always sadistic?’
Well, yes and no. If we refer to my habits, they would certainly suggest a certain tendency towards that conclusion. Emotional sadism, I am always capable of at any time of the day….I am not, however, someone that totes around a big, bad bag of sadistic hand tools for my erotic needs. It isn’t a fetish - I don’t need someone to be in pain to experience orgasm or to be aroused and the lack of those doesn’t hinder me in any way.
Even the people that have come and gone in my life as lovers haven’t all known about my darker habits. It isn’t something you spring on the first date unless you picked them from the local list of BDSM (S&M) personals. Hell, most of them would even cringe at my idea of fun - blood is one of those ‘hard limits’ I often see listed.
Still, having found N, whose dark side is almost as black as mine, we do have a higher chance of engaging in those activities. Obviously we have to reserve the bloodbaths and animal slaughters for special occasions. ( I have a feeling that is going to bring some interesting search topics to my site.) We do, frequently, want what most people would consider as ‘regular’ sex - without the whips, broken glass, goat heads and crucifixion nails. (There I go again.)
There are times I just want to smell her skin. Listen to her moan as my fingers play in her damp folds. Hear the moisture that whispers sweetly from between her thighs. Hold her face between my palms. Kiss the sighs from her lips. Fuck us both mindless.
So yes, I can be romantic - all without the sadist giving tips on how to pierce her lips using my teeth.
However, I am always dominant, and N, is always submissive to me. Dominance is woven into me so finely I doubt it could ever be extricated. Of course, like any day, there are times she cares more about something than I do and vice versa, so we will allow the other to take the lead. Ebb and Flow. It boils down to picking battles. When I put my foot down, N knows she needs to prepare a court argument to get me to budge. (or do that thing where her eyes water and her chin wiggles, damn that, it either works or pisses me off.)
In bed - I am in charge. We did that thing where she is on top, and have even had it where I am tied down (-grunt-), but somehow it just works best for us both the other way around.
I love the balance.
I loved reading this, Daemon. I never actually thought you’d be as one dimensional as being “always on” would imply.
Hearing you say how you love to simply hold her, smell her and caress her does balance the darker side.
You say you love balance, I say I love contrast (the cruel statement murmured in the softest whisper)….I think we’re saying the same thing.
T
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Very much the same, T. I’ve often considered that balance to be a saving grace - perhaps it is that which keeps me from sinking into mindless depravity. While the sadistic beast does keep silent more often than one would think, I doubt that my relationship with N would have been so long lasting were she not capable of understanding it. See a few posts back to understand what note upon which one other relationship ended.
At the same time, the balance is what keeps her sane during my insanity. A place for her to feel warmth those times when I’m not capable of providing it myself.
-D
Comment by T in NYC — 10/23/2005 @ 9:18 am
Daemon, I have been lurking in the shadows for sometime. I love your blog; how you seem to find just the correct words to describe what you feel.
I am not as lucky with mine. I struggle with the words that I want to use. You seem to encapsulate what I feel many times, although from the dominant’s perspective where as I am submissive.
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Thank you, Kristen and welcome.
I assure you my earlier writings, long before this blog were ever a reality, were quite different. You’ll find your niche.
I don’t publish everything I write. Most items are shelved because I take such an emotionless view during them, that what I am attempting to communicate is lost. I may fail from time to time, but I am never defeated.
-D
Comment by Kristen — 10/23/2005 @ 1:56 pm