I’m burned out. I realized it when I was standing at my local pizza place (see the pizza referenced in my 100 things list). Yes, it isn’t something I order often, but it isn’t the fact I was ordering a pizza that bothered me. Anyone that knows me knows I can damn well afford the fat. What bothered me was the fact that there were other people around.
They weren’t ahead of me. They weren’t being obnoxious. They were just existing and at that moment I hated them for being anywhere near me. I saw the cautious look on one of the children sitting on the bench and fought the urge to really snarl for dark comedic effect.
I feel restless. I pace. Even as I write I am resisting the urge to just - throw my hands up and walk away. It is aggression at no target. It is anger for no reason. I hold myself in just because I don’t want to explain to myself why I let go. There is no reason to let go.
I can’t relax.
And for no fucking reason.
‘Restlessness is discontent - and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man - and I will show you a failure.’
When I feel like that, I go to the local range and shoot handguns until the aggression fades. I’ve found that and kickboxing great outlets.
Love the quote.
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Curse my upbringing, I only carry a gun if I plan on killing something - otherwise known as hunting. I don’t want to develop too much of a familiarity with such an abrupt method of death.
Comment by Aine — 12/16/2005 @ 7:40 pm
Punching a punching bag…helps, as does kickboxing, I find shooting guns just as aggravating as whatever is aggravating me in the first place because my aim is so bad….but…hopefully you’ll find a way to leak it off.
Fae
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I kickbox, but I prefer running when the mood is on me like this.
Comment by eroticfae — 12/17/2005 @ 12:53 am
Times like these, break oneself or break another? I feel your restlessness.
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I always prefer to break another - it is easier to act upon, but harder to correct later.
Thus why I adore my silence.
Comment by MistressS — 12/17/2005 @ 4:23 pm
Thank You.
For justifying and making me understand my restlessness and discontent.
And now…maybe I can explain it to those around me. I am not confused, I am not wishy-washy, I am not back-peddling from decisions I have stated…I am just constantly trying figure out new plans and how to exercise different options. Anything to keep from being still. From waiting.
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Perhaps the explanation and the way to communicate it will come along with the actions you take to fulfill the restlessness.
Sometimes doing is answer enough.
Comment by Darling Nikki — 12/22/2005 @ 4:35 pm