Excuse my, as now, flamingly liberal politics.  Tina Fey.  Damn.

I’ve got aggression in spades just about now.  People that know me, don’t know me, avoid me.  I know it, and some part of me enjoys the fact that they don’t want to push any button I might have.  Perhaps it isn’t fear but instead well-intended caution that compels them to leave me alone, but it still resides within the same family and so, tastes the same.

I’ll bother to regret the distance it creates between us later when I’m less capable of violence.

It hasn’t been one thing that has set me on this road.  Work has been crazy, life too and personal events have just spiraled downwards.  I’ve pushed it all back until the frustration has manifested into this, an oozing sort of temper that just dares someone to light the fuse.

Doesn’t help that I’m just utterly without a vent - unless you consider a grueling workout sufficient.  Sometimes it is, but just now all it does is increase the sky-high levels of testosterone that is, no doubt, feeding this frenzy.

I need my vent back.  Things are finally settled, but now it is a matter of playing tag, catch and whatever other game there is to connect.  It was so much easier back then…

As for you, readers, you’ve been forgiving of my distance, my sporadic postings, my increasingly less personal writing, eh, maybe I should start dating you.

My sister had canceled. Elsa’s pregnancy was proving to be difficult and whatever reason it really was, I knew better than to ask and start the emotional tide. Serene had the hormones, Elsa, the swollen belly.

I considered going back to the center, but unexpected movements weren’t met with much welcome, and I had places I needed to be before I could indulge in my carnal appetite. Hunger of a less exotic nature gnawed at my stomach as I pulled up to the heavy metal doors that shielded the center from the rest of the world and cut the engine.

The guard lumbered out with a Napoleon-esque air that tried, and failed, to be intimidating. He reminded me of a pigeon, all breast and strut, but was mostly feathers and stomach. I leaned out of the window, only to have the bright flash of his flashlight shine in my eyes. Another guard walked around and stood in front of the car.

I’d dealt with another set coming in, but this too, was expected, because Lily, in her infinite wisdom, had told me about the process. I doubted I would go to this trouble if she were any less than who she was. I remained in the car until the short guard opened my door and motioned for me to step out. His girth prevented me from doing some comfortably, and I doubted that was unintentional.

There were courtesy glances to the neck, but more out of habit, I thought, than the careful perusal that accompanied a government screening. A newly converted vampire would hardly be leaving the center in any sort of shape to be standing before them as calmly as I had been. I’d never seen one, thankfully, but the news was littered with the graphic details the modern human wanted to know about the beasts so recently “out of the closet.” To think, a few years ago homosexuality was a big deal, now it was determining whether you neighbor might eat you given the proper set of circumstances.

Dangers that were always present had only made themselves known to the paranoid public, and so assuming themselves omnipotent and masters of their domain was hardly an option when there were bigger and badder predators than the littering, chain-smoking alcoholic your grandparents called the bad apple. Lily might be mine, but I was under no disillusion that it was because she willed it so.

It really put a dent in my dominant ‘master of my domain’ streak. Goddammit.

The guard held out a little test strip that reminded me of the diabetes tests I watched my brother take when we were kids. I held up my finger and he pricked it with the gentleness of a German brick layer. I bled; the machine beeped, and a moment later, the gates opened out onto the street.

Sunset went entirely too fast these days. It was like racing against the clock some days. Traffic accidents went up, yet only the sadistic police officers actually stopped the speeders. No one wanted to get caught after dark, them included. For my part, I felt a certain sort of safety that was entirely misplaced. Lily could care for me, yes, but the chances of her finding me in time, were I to walk down the wrong alley, would be slim.

My foot went a little heavier on the pedal, and the resulting thrust of the car put my mind into silence.

****

Had I told you that I was a step away from the medical degree, the burbs, kids, etc? Well, I’d managed one before my life went into the tailspin. I opened the door to my home and went immediately to my sometimes-used-for-work office. I saw patients there, but only the less crazy ones. I didn’t want the ones ‘on the edge’ to have a clue where I lived. Don’t kill the messenger didn’t always translate to the brain when things began to click.

Lights flicked on, and the silence was eerie even for some like me, who spent time in the company of vampires. Just being at The Center was enough to brand me on the outs with some of the more fanatical groups of religious zealots.

The t.v. provided enough mindless din to keep back the tide of silence that loomed just outside the room. The blinds were shut, by more habit of bachelorhood and Lily, than anything else. Still, I didn’t make a habit of offering myself up for whoever or whatever might be watching from the outside. Locks didn’t hold everything out.

I sent off a few emails and scheduled clients for the next , all while throwing back the too greasy remains of a cow sandwiched between a mealy bun. Ahh fast food. I felt sort of guilty for not telling Lily about the change of plans, but it was something I’d rectify when she came over later. I checked the locks on the doors. Sunset had long since passed, and a new night was newly born outside. I was in for the evening, and it was just as well that Serene had canceled because it looked to be a newsworthy sort of evening.

I had a mild sort of intuition, but it had proven itself reliable. Lily, if she kept to her usual routine, was going to be another hour or two. I stretched out on the sofa and muted the television. I blinked, blinked, and a long minute later I slept. Lily’s image was the first thing I saw when reality faded into dream.

That was the last evening I’d ever sleep through. It was the last evening I’d wake up. It was the last evening I’d ever see with my human eyes.

The book project is moving along nicely.  I’ve sent it back around to those that have already read just to get the signatures as testament.  It will get underway as soon as a major source of my attention clears itself.  She should, by all rights get the first chance - then off to NY.

To my UK request, of course, for you.

… … … … …

I’ve written on everything … right up until the hurricane hit.  It didn’t impact us beyond a little local flooding, and the lake only went up to nestle against the dock a few hundred yards away.    My attention is still divided, however, and that has me pacing and me giving my rosary a finger polish.

Everything will resolve itself, if for no other reason than I’ve willed it to be so.  Let’s just pray I’m right, hm?

And now, our regularly scheduled program begins….

… … … … …

In my not-so-discerning youth I got around.  Hell, I still get around more than I’d ever admit too, but back then, it was…epidemic.  Beauty was all that was required to get into my pants.  Beauty and perhaps a bit of a dark side, or turn to the kinky.

When I was no longer the fat college freshmen, drunk off too much freedom, pizza and beer, it only got worse.  Objectify women?  In spades.  We even went with the usual grading system with a few tossed in peeves that were deal-breakers.

Dirty feet?  Big one for me.  I hate seeing black bottomed feet ( to this day ).  If you are wearing a slip on shoe, I will notice.

Breaker for J?  Body hair.  No all-natural women for him. (Which now-a-days, he certainly doesn’t have to worry about.)

Between us it felt as if we’d run through the East Coast.  When I met Taylor, and later N, that didn’t change, sadly.  N’s loss (for surely Taylor was no loss) forced me to re-evaluate my behavior.  Celibacy, something I hadn’t practiced since I lost my virginity, gave me perspective.

My profession and education gave me the further insight I needed.

I still get around just a little more than I should.  Indeed, my mother has had my wedding planned for years.  However, it’s the mind that snags me first.  Dirty feet excluded, of course.

Aside from the visual, which I appreciate, don’t get me wrong, I look for the mind.  I look for a connection that defies the slots I’d try to place you in during our conversation.  (geek, stupid, professional, whore, etc) The best place to be, actually, is that place between friend and lover - where I’m not quite certain. (Perhaps you can call this just another form of objectification, I don’t know.)

If you fall into bothcategories soundly, you must be N, hm?  Her influence in my life has been substantial.  And while things are not settled between us, and there is much history (good and bad) she still holds rank.

It’s terrible to want things just outside your reach.  It’s painful to wonder if you would damage the image you have of that desire by taking it.

I seem to be digressing into something I don’t want to think about at the moment.  However, the point of this post is to say…

Nothing turns me on better than a hot brain….

(please just don’t have dirty feet)