At the moment I am strangely calm. I find this odd simply due to the calculated plans I have in place. Sadistic nature is one thing, but my humanity is challenged. Knowingly arrogant, I still feel I can block the sun by reaching out my hand to close around it.

Have you seen a red moon? It is the blood of my victims. Those who challenged me, defied me. Their hearts flutter uselessly to pump non-existant fluid.

I carve a path through crowds to find whatever, or whomever I seek. They stand little chance of winning, I have already disected their psyche - I know which direction they will run before even they do. And when I reach them, their skin will split open from my will, their heart will break.

Caged against the wall by my body, my arms on either side of her head, I will wait, watching her - until her knees give in and she falls into her place, broken, bloody and finally where she belongs.

Your own personal Jesus.

Assuming familiar roles - there is some comfort to be found there. Much like knowing what to do before the situation arises. There is a serenity in being in the place you most want to be, a warmth, if you will.

Some might find it dull, I find it…right.

That being said, I am still fighting my vicious nature to keep the peace. - but not constantly, at least.

Post: Age
Date: 5/13/2005
Paragraph 2, Line 3

“Until something or someone reminds me of them…suddenly it comes back in full, sharp detail and I am angry - Angry for allowing my feelings for you to manipulate my anger. Perhaps it is better for me to let go, but I don’t wish to. You’ve not bled enough for my liking.”

In case you needed clarification on my line of thinking.

It was time to remind you….and remind myself why I still want to choke the life out of you.

…and unholy.

The omega.

I posted a blog last month sometime after reading a few posts from it and deciding that it was worthwhile. I have even gone so far as to seek out the person in a chat room that by modern standards is the equivelent of an outhouse. Browser based chat - Ah, smell the stink of technology that is unforgiveably old.

Anyhow, I had read a post she made, and left comment upon it. Something along the lines of ….You are being whiny, if you are a doormat, then you are allowing it to happen. Tactful as ever. Afterwards I sought her out in chat and was unable to find her. Today, I find her blog again during the internet surfing I do between phone calls.

Needless to say, I am less than impressed.

No, it isn’t that she responded scathingly to my remarks. I would have considered it, at very least, a sign of strength to stand up and disagree with my remark. Instead she responded in traditional submissive fashion. Yes, she pretended the post didnt exist.

Certainly it stings when someone doesn’t support you in the manner you would want, but honest objective feedback is priceless - any company CEO would tell you the same. It allows you to understand your shortcomings, and identify your areas for opportunity. My remark was to take her off of the pity train upon which she was riding.

Instead she has choosen to ignore a crucial part of who she is. We all know that hiding something or ignoring it is the best way to handle any problem, right?

Why does it matter?

Well it isn’t about her, but about many people who do the same thing. I am not perfect. I am proud, stubborn, cold, unavailable and a Sadist among other things. However, there is one thing that I am above all others. Strong. Physically, yes, emotionally, mentally as well.

And I despise weakness. Weakness is the disease that pervades our society. An insidious, destructive whisper of shoulds and should nots. It festers in the wounds of the injured and the in the manipulative hands of society as a whole. It dilutes our free thinking and adulterates it with itself.

She is weak, but further more, is unwilling to change it.

Any remarks to which I disagree, will be deleted along with the post and half of my blog and replaced with one big happy face.

Add sarcasm to the above list.

I think as I get older I am getting softer in some ways… much harder in others.

While I have not forgiven, I do find it easy to forget from time to time. I allow myself to remember other details, while blurring the lines the current ones have drawn for us. Until something or someone reminds me of them…suddenly it comes back in full, sharp detail and I am angry - Angry for allowing my feelings for you to manipulate my anger. Perhaps it is better for me to let go, but I don’t wish to. You’ve not bled enough for my liking.

It will come to a point where the mention of certain details won’t trigger the memories they currently do. I barely remember previously signifigant other people from my past. Perhaps in a few years, you will be relegated to just a memory preserved in pictures, sounds and saved emails.

I don’t want that either. Because while your presence can cause a wide range of emotional response in me….I would take it any day over feeling nothing. The void is comforting for a while, but it does get exhausting to maintain…and eventually, one day, I will either be lost to it, or totally without it.

This information being provided to you is the exact opposite of what I should be telling you. I should be making you pay your toll…bleed your pound of flesh.

I realize now that the ways I could hurt you deep enough for me to be satisfied are beyond what I am willing to commit to at this point. Right now anyhow. Other women will come - and I’ll accept their offers. I’ll do the things to them that I have done and would have done to you. I’ll make certain that you are aware of every graphic detail. I’ll enjoy your crying and anger. And, once I have finished and you are stained with my mark, I will leave you and not return.

Today, however, I am not prepared to commit to that act. I choose now, what I never would have in the past given these circumstances. You.

I hope you realize what it has cost my pride.

Without remorse, without regret, without the ability, want, or desire to stop the urge, I will hurt you.

The wound will be deeper, the scar will be lasting and it will end all of this.