Sadistic Excess

I’m feeling my dominant this evening, but he’s in league with the sadist this time, eschewing the quick hard violence, in favor of more torturous exploits. It’s dark, but not bad. This is the kind I like actually, when I hum with energy, but it’s patient, controlled energy.

It’s also the mood I need for razors. Oh, I’m feeling the razors, my knives, that fucking cane that you hate, the one that leaves those nasty marks for weeks, and I’m going to want you to handle it without me bothering to tie your wrists.

And just when the cuts have stopped bleeding, I’m going to fuck you until each of them opens again.

I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I think perhaps its just an energy drain, and me coming down from another accomplishment at work. It’s nothing, but the work that went into it, to push it forward, took months of my life. Months.

So now its done and another feather is in my cap. And there is a new thing to work on, new problems to resolve. New gray hairs to create on my head.

Whatever the cause, I’m in a foul mood. Oh god, so fucking dark, I want to hide and celebrate it all at once. My eyes burn. I’m restless, but forcing myself into stillness because I don’t need to run again today. I don’t want to lace on shoes just to escape out of my head.

I just want it gone. I hate it so. I want it gone.

So, this time I decided to link you to the songs I could find online – all but one, really – click the links if you want to do more than give this post a courtesy read and hate me for it not being masturbation material. There may be a test after this. Be ready, class.

I pick out music before I go on a long writing spell, so in a way, this is fuel for your masturbation material. Go and appreciate it a little bit. Don’t however, hold me responsible for the youtube content – I didn’t bother to watch it.

Empty Walls – Serj Tankian (Think: System of a Down)

Snuff – Slipknot (I posted this one earlier, but it’s a revisit)

The Howling – Within Temptation

What Have you Done – Within Temptation

No One Like you – Scorpions

New Divide – Linkin Park

Blue Monday - Flunk (the guitar)

Her Diamonds – Rob Thomas (This wins the most wasted potential of a song – bleh. Waste of 99 cents. Romantic dribble. Did I forget the link? Whoops.)

Rapture – Hurt ( A nod to my readers, thank you)

Mercy – Duffy (Think: Amy Winehouse)

Brother – Dark New Day

Coming Undone – Korn

Gehenna – Slipknot

Bother – Stone Sour

Not Meant to be – Theory of a Deadman

There are times when I want to say so much, but I force myself to hold my tongue. It isn’t that I am seeking control in that instance, because one part of me would very, very, VERY much like to let it go and enjoy the rush that comes with letting it go.

I enjoy my sadism, sometimes.

I like causing pain. I like making people cry, but I only do so when the situation warrants it. And only when (I struggle on this one) I believe the person can handle it, process it well and move on.

Responsible sadism.

It seems like an oxymoron, but its not. They don’t conflict in a world where people want or need to hear the truth, no matter how painful. Or, yes, want or need to hear my opinion (no matter how far away from right or wrong it may be).

It exists, and perhaps it exists only in a few who don’t seek to destroy everyone, but just the ones who can rebuild, or those that need to be notched down a few spaces on the chart. I believe that once I become indiscriminate, a line will have been crossed, and while it may feel good, so fucking good, I will have lost something in the process.

So, right now, I am exercising my patience instead. That’s a muscle that needs a little work anyhow.